It's too easy to take yourself seriously when you're the only one looking at your thoughts.

Ah, I'm such a melodramatic. Apologies. I spend too much time with myself. I've been wanting to post something not depressing to make up for the last post. I don't think something like that could stay true forever (but maybe it's inevitable that something like that is true for everybody). In any case! I have been looking up!

Sigh. I shouldn't write while listening to music, because I can't really do much thinking while listening to music. But I'm in a musicful mood! It'd be a waste to let it pass.

BLAH. Why am I blogging? I don't like talking to myself. I don't really like when people read my blog either, because I'd prefer to explain my thoughts to each person. Sigh. Whatever. I'm doing well.

this is a sad post, in every sense of the word

I'm not who I project myself to be. Sometimes I fool myself into thinking I am, but I'm not. I kind of wish I was that projection. But only kind of. Otherwise, I'd take it seriously and I'd be a lot less pathetic.

There's a lot I haven't said

It's 'cause I have a lot to say. Over the past two weeks (only two weeks? These days feel like weeks) I've had lots on my mind. I go to the new post page and I just can't continue. There's too much to explain. I hate my writing. I don't feel like writing. There's too much momentum keeping me nice and silent.

Well, now it's 4 AM and the middle of the night has always had its power over me. I might write better in the middle of the night. I think I just have fewer inhibitions, and the ones that disappear include the ones that cross out stupid thoughts and prevent me from publishing crappy writing. And I just like the middle of the night. It's so peaceful. Private. The night air is different. It's good.

My parents have tried oh so hard to change my sleep schedule, and I try somewhat to do that but part of me doesn't want to leave the middle of the night to sleeping. It's just such a good time to be awake.

On to the serious part.

Following Christ has always been a matter of convenience. Mission trips are fun. Singing is fun. Church people are fun. Fellowship is fun. I've never really had the option to leave God. Church is such a big part of my life. Take out church and I'd feel like I was drifting, empty. But doing church isn't the same thing as following Christ.

There's a part of me that wants to have fun. There's a part of me that wants to be sincere. Lots of times they overlap, and then the choice is easy. When they don't, I do what's fun.

There are many things that Christians do that can't be justified. I've mulled over it, talked to people about it, asked about it, read (a little) about it, and the answers have been clear. There's not much justification for buying entertainment when so little money could do so much more for so many people. There's not much justification for defying authority (pirating music?). There's not much justification for spending free time entertaining ourselves.

Being a Christian means giving up your life in the hopes of getting something even better. The way the rest of the world works is, for the most part, that you do something because you want to do it. That's not the way we, Christians, are supposed to work.

If you call yourself devoted and intend to keep the parts of your life you want to keep, I call you a liar. I'm a liar. I was a liar. I don't want to be a liar. It's common practice for Christians to admit that we're all hypocrites. There's a difference between admitting the truth and being proud of it. Getting used to it. That's what I'd call being lukewarm.

Being a hypocrite is a very, very bad thing.

I know we're all imperfect. We can't do the right thing all the time. But it's the trying: that's what makes a Christian. Not trying and singing worship is what we call lip service and hypocrisy. Maybe lukewarmness. Lukewarm is what God spits out of his mouth.

Being cold is better than being lukewarm. So for a day or two, I turned cold. I realized I wasn't willing to give up everything. I wasn't sure enough. I've known all along that I know a lot about God; I don't know God. I don't feel joy when somebody's converted. I don't have a testimony, not even one of just conviction or emotion.

But God is the only thing I know. And I think he's probably there. Take out Jesus' death and resurrection and you have a gaping hole in history. I've heard about miracles, heard the testimonies of people around me.

"I think he's probably there" isn't good enough for me though. I want to know God. I want to be able to say to my atheist friends, "Yes, I have looked at the religions of the world, and none can compare to Jesus Christ." And most importantly, I want to have somebody I can point to and say, "This man here, he's seen God work with his own eyes." That would set Jesus apart from any other God, because there are always distant stories and testimonies of miracles in every religion. Being able to point to a witness in this present reality would be awesome.

Best of all would be seeing God work with my own eyes. But I don't have enough faith for that yet.

I do think God's granted me the faith to find a testimony of his work. Seek and I shall find, so he said.

I'm tired.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzMJhOwBLqw

Who'd've thought there'd be a metallica song I like?

I love perfect temperatures. I have a deep appreciation for springly weather. It makes me so happy to walk outside and feel a nice breeze that isn't too hot or too cold.

I also appreciate good writing. I think it's more accurate to say I appreciate honest writing. Nah, actually, it's more like I writing that people enjoyed writing. That's why I like it when English majors blog just as much as when normal people blog. But some people are super self-conscious about blogging. Or maybe it's more like super self-absorbed. I dunno! I suck at describing things. Sometimes people have lots going on in their heads and they need to just get it down, and that's good to read too. I don't like it when people write more for people to read than just for the fun of it. I think that's it. I appreciate people doing things just for the fun of doing things.

I played video games by myself twice over the past few days, and it wasn't very fulfilling. Left me feeling hollow. Playing video games with other people is fun, unless everybody's just staring at the screen with open mouths.

I don't get absorbed into life as much as other people, I think. I'd love to love everything more, but I don't. I'm not very curious, or very creative. You know what I'd love? If I was really good at music. I think I'd be a lot happier. I like music.

Video games are very absorbing though. Maybe that's why I get sucked into them more than I get sucked into life.

Today I was ridiculously frustrated for a little while. I hated on myself for not loving my family very much. I didn't want to read. I played video games for a while, but I couldn't keep doing that. I didn't want to pray. It was that sort of frustration I'd get from really wanting to something, but not knowing what that something was. In the end, I decided to sit and wait for God to tell me what to do. I think the sitting and waiting was what I needed to do.

Sometimes the reason I don't want to do things is because I'm afraid it won't be good. Maybe that's why I like video games and programming. Computers are very predictable. But anyways, I let the fear of the thing not being good consume me sometimes. I think that was part of the story.

I wasn't expecting to blog this much

But what can I do about it?

My dear friend Jen Alzate (who, by the way, has a pretty cool last name in my opinion) suggested that I read Confessions by St. Augustine about three months ago. Because she's an English major and I think she has a solid grasp of my general opinion of old books (I don't like them) I decided to give it a try and read the thing. I bought it online (accidentally bought the abridged version. I'll see if the library has unabridged versions) and let it collect dust for about three months.

Then I started reading it and I was very surprised to find that I like it. Very surprised because first, it's old, and second, it's one long prayer (the prayer is a mixture of praise of autobiography and random thoughts). I probably wouldn't like it as much if it wasn't a modern english version. But I actually really really like the book.

It's almost like a blog (where else are you gonna get such a random mixture of things?). It's very heartfelt, and that draws me in. I guess I like hearing people talk about themselves. It's different, being old; I have to keep looking at the notes to understand what writers he mentions or what he was talking about at all, really. But the differentness of how he writes, especially, makes me think more.

He praises God in so many ways, sees him at work in everything, and attributes everything good to him, all the while insulting himself. It's almost to the point of ridiculousness, but not quite, because the ridiculousness of it makes me stop and think and realize that God is actually worthy of all that ridiculousness. It's like hearing a nauseatingly cheesy and overdone love song, except not, because there's nothing that could be said of God that could overdo things because God's just that ridiculous.

There's this book that has a title I like. It's called Crazy Love. I skimmed the book and it seems okay. I didn't read it because I'd already seen the ideas in it before. I just really like the title (and the cover). Crazy love.

I s'pose there are a few other reasons Confessions appeals to me. First is that it's a lot of praise, but it's more modern than the Psalms, yet still of really high authority. Another is that I'm used to hearing modern praise, but only in spoken prayer and songs. Prayers are improvised and songs are limited (and have a reputation of being cliche), so I'm not used to seeing any really creative worship.

Last, it's made me want to change my life more. For a little while I've talked about discipline but I haven't been able to get myself to do it. What can I say? Indulgence is easy. But more and more clearly I've been seeing that there are only two ways for me to live: First, for my own comfort and entertainment, the default that everybody turns to. And second, as if God was really alive and his love was really that crazy. I can't go on playing flash games and reading manga and eating what I want whenever I want and not getting exercise and trying not to look at porn and failing.

It's easy to talk about God and want the good things, the community and worship and joy. It's hard to change these habits that're so deeply ingrained. Reading Augustine and how madly obsessed he was whetted my appetite for God, so I'm gonna try to chase him down with all I've got, now.

Confessions also inspired me to write. It's not just that I feel inspired, though. You could say it's the missing piece I've been looking for. Y'see, whenever I fast or ignore my sexual appetite for a little while, my body goes a little haywire. I can't sleep, can't concentrate well enough to read, can't sit still long enough to pray, and don't have enough energy to exercise (when I'm fasting). I always hated the feeling, and I could never figure out what to do with myself but let the time slip away. But writing comes easy to me, and I think it'll be good for me too.

Greg Jao said something interesting at Basileia. He said that finding a spouse will never fulfill your emotional needs. Eating will never fill you up completely. Our earthly needs only point toward an even more important need for God.

this is how my brain works

I like making quick decisions because I hate wasting time. Y'see, whenever you've gotta make a hard choice, it's not like thinking about it much will actually get you anywhere. Once you've thought it all out and talked to people, there's nothing more to do (besides maybe pray and wait). Sitting on it for longer is just killing time. Besides, if the decision's that hard, that means the choices are about even anyways. And if the decision's hard, who can blame you for going either way if it comes out wrong? Best just to save some time and decide quickly, then use the time you saved to work at whatever it is you're doing.

I try to spend my time right. I try not to make entertainment my default time-filler because there's too much work left to do. It's like playing video games when there's a starving kid next to you, only he's not next to you. It's not like I spend my days painfully grinding out productivity, though. Actually, I find it really hard to do anything productive if it isn't vaguely fun or really urgent. I think there's always a way to do good that fits who you are. I like reading certain books, getting slightly better at piano, talking with people, and reading the bible and praying. If I played video games for hours at a time again, I'd feel really empty. Not that I'm not tempted. I yearn to play FFVII. It's kinda a good thing I don't actually own a copy.

I don't think God's gifts to people are talent or easy learning. Well, of course, that's one way to be gifted. But I think the best kind of gift is being able to enjoy something. If you're good at things, it's useful, but I would rather be a janitor who loves his job than a neurosurgeon who's just kinda drifting. Haha. I'm sure it's pretty hard to drift into neurosurgery. I think you get the point.

It makes me think of a xanga entry I read once, a while ago. It was Leon talking about how he wasn't fantastic at anything. He picks things up really quickly, but he's got no skills that stand out. I think the problem wasn't that he wasn't good enough at things... I think he just never found something he loved enough to get really good at it.

My suitemate Joe plays electric guitar for a few hours every day. He's played for two years now, I think, and he's really really good. It's not like he's trying to get some skills to impress the ladies. He just loves playing guitar so much that he got good at it in the process. It makes me wish I enjoyed something so much I'd spend hours on it every day. I do like piano. A few hours a day is tough. I also really like acoustic guitar. I really like random fiddling on acoustic guitars (I like listening to Haley play with his), but it just feels awkward whenever I try to learn. Piano is nice and simple. Just pressing buttons. I'd love to be able to improv piano. I'd also love to be able to play this one piece:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4FQaDQbwoE

Then I'd die happy.

I wanna see from your side of the sky

I always feel like writing whenever i see what other people write, If it's a blog I'll feel like writing a blog. If it's a good story or poem, it'll make me want to write a good story or poem. That doesn't really work out. Blog posts I can do. And it's the opportune time, too! Right after a retreat. Everybody loves blogging after retreats.

I went to Cornerstone's (my church's) memorial day weekend retreat. Four days, three nights. I've gone every year for at least seven years. The past six years, I've gone as a youth though. This time I went to the adult track. I've never liked adults.

I should give some background. May fifteenth to the twentieth I went to Basileia, the Intervarsity end-of-year retreat for New York and New Jersey. Basileia was intense. The schedule was chock-full, and IV has terrific timing, so we went from one event to the next, without much of a break at all.

Basileia taught me a lot. It taught me old things in the same words, even, but the words struck a different chord this time. I guess I wasn't ready the first time I heard them. Greg Jao was the speaker. He's like God's megaphone. He also reminds me of Ben, from Lost. He's awesome. Anyways, he told us a short illustration, the same one he told us when he came to our chapter of IV at easter. He was telling his short term missions team about China, and he was getting them all worked up. They were getting more and more excited when he said, all you have to do is raise thirty-five hundred dollars. The atmosphere deflated. Greg Jao looks around and says, if you can't trust God with three thousand five hundred dollars, don't bother praying about a major or a spouse because they're too big for him.

And that was the lesson of Basileia. God is big. But I understood just a little better how big he is, and it's changed a lot. If we understood how powerful and loving God was, our brains would explode. But seriously, if we saw his power displayed, we'd fall to the ground shaking uncontrollably. If we saw his face and he let us survive, we'd never, ever stop worshiping him. And we're on his side, and he listens to us when we pray. There isn't a single thing we can do that would be more productive than praying.

Our chapter understood that a little better, too. We grew a lot, especially in prayer. There's no doubt, we left on a spiritual high. But I think a lot of us also left feeling permanently changed and really, really excited for fall semester and what God could do with us then.

That's the gist of what Basileia was about. It was so good.

So going into the church retreat, I was on a roll. Praying lots, feeling like I could conquer any difficulty. But also praying that God would continue to grow me, and especially that he would point out my weaknesses and teach me and humble me, because I knew I was too proud.

And that's what God did. I missed Basileia, of course. I don't think there's anything our church could do that could compare to it. I guess what I didn't realize is how important having my chapter was. Because really, there's nobody else I can rely on for spiritual support and openness. There's one other person, besides my chapter, and I didn't really have the chance to talk to her during the retreat. Gabe is Gabe. Talking to him is more difficulty than it is fun (that's my fault though. I've gotten too used to resenting him).

I love my church. But there's no doubt. We're not what we should be. Our fellowship lacks depth. We're not moving toward the same goal. And personally, I don't feel close enough to our members to change that, with a few exceptions. Micah and Haley. But I see them so much anyways, and I've been trying then.

It's my fault. I never bothered to deepen my friendships with anybody else. I'm familiar and comfortable with being around churchpeople, but I'm not close. I guess I'm something of an onlooker when it comes to socializing (I definitely used to be, at least) and it's tough changing that.

And I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of being boring and a killjoy. I'm afraid of being serious. I'm afraid people will just ignore me.

And that's how God humbled me. He taught me I'm still a coward.

I also came out of Basileia ready to love anybody and everybody. Then God showed me I'm still not ready to love anybody and everybody. I disliked the speaker, but not for what he said. It was just his style of talking and preaching and teaching. He said a lot of obvious things, and he said everything as if it was some profound, amazing truth. He said lame jokes as if they were actually funny. I got a sense of pride from him, a confidence in his ministry and in his own words that I didn't like at all.

I realized I was being judgmental again. That's how else God humbled me. He taught me I still don't love people, especially the ones I find hardest to love.

I like everybody at IV, and that made it easy to love them all. At retreat, I was falling back into the pattern of judging everybody. I was judging the speaker, when his style of talking and teaching was definitely just a style. I probably just wasn't used to it because I'm so used to asian preaching. I judged my peers, watched them and sorted out who the losers were and who the winners were.

I also learned I have difficulty with fobs! Not because I dislike them. I just can't take accents. Heavy accents really tax my attention span. I dunno why. They just do. They make me tired and make it really hard to focus and really hard to care. Sheila was in my small group, and I was paired with her twice, and it was tough. It was especially hard because she overuses a lot of filler words that don't belong to any pattern of speech I'm used to, like somehow and like (it was weird to hear "like" being overused with a heavy accent) and probably and yeah. I had to figure out what to disregard and what to listen to.

That was frustrating.

So retreat was tough. I learned a lot, though, and I grew a lot too. Still a work in progress.

I could write more. But I've kinda written a lot. And I've gotten tired of writing. The end.

--

Dang it, there was something else I wanted to talk about that I forgot. It's about thinking about God. I used to think about him once a week. The rest of the time I'd think about school and keeping myself entertained. Lately I've been thinking about God the majority of my day, or at least whenever I'm not doing anything specific. I think it's safe to say I've become obsessed. I try to polish everything I do and try to keep myself doing what I feel is good.

I can't help but think that most Christians still spend their time thinking about how to entertain themselves. And I can't help but think that that's just not what we're here for. I like spending money. I like playing video games. And it's not that I dislike them now. I just prefer feeding hungry people (by not spending on anything unnecessary) and praying and preparing myself for the future by building myself up.

I've heard the phrase wartime efficiency applied to Christianity, and that makes perfect sense to me. I suppose it was before our time, but I think how it went was that during the world wars and the other importanter wars, everything in the country was converted for the sole purpose of winning the war. Food was rationed, factories were converted into weapons factories, women and children pitched in to work, and people gave up leisure time and fun things to make the country a better war machine.

Soldiers of God?