Well, now it's 4 AM and the middle of the night has always had its power over me. I might write better in the middle of the night. I think I just have fewer inhibitions, and the ones that disappear include the ones that cross out stupid thoughts and prevent me from publishing crappy writing. And I just like the middle of the night. It's so peaceful. Private. The night air is different. It's good.
My parents have tried oh so hard to change my sleep schedule, and I try somewhat to do that but part of me doesn't want to leave the middle of the night to sleeping. It's just such a good time to be awake.
On to the serious part.
Following Christ has always been a matter of convenience. Mission trips are fun. Singing is fun. Church people are fun. Fellowship is fun. I've never really had the option to leave God. Church is such a big part of my life. Take out church and I'd feel like I was drifting, empty. But doing church isn't the same thing as following Christ.
There's a part of me that wants to have fun. There's a part of me that wants to be sincere. Lots of times they overlap, and then the choice is easy. When they don't, I do what's fun.
There are many things that Christians do that can't be justified. I've mulled over it, talked to people about it, asked about it, read (a little) about it, and the answers have been clear. There's not much justification for buying entertainment when so little money could do so much more for so many people. There's not much justification for defying authority (pirating music?). There's not much justification for spending free time entertaining ourselves.
Being a Christian means giving up your life in the hopes of getting something even better. The way the rest of the world works is, for the most part, that you do something because you want to do it. That's not the way we, Christians, are supposed to work.
If you call yourself devoted and intend to keep the parts of your life you want to keep, I call you a liar. I'm a liar. I was a liar. I don't want to be a liar. It's common practice for Christians to admit that we're all hypocrites. There's a difference between admitting the truth and being proud of it. Getting used to it. That's what I'd call being lukewarm.
Being a hypocrite is a very, very bad thing.
I know we're all imperfect. We can't do the right thing all the time. But it's the trying: that's what makes a Christian. Not trying and singing worship is what we call lip service and hypocrisy. Maybe lukewarmness. Lukewarm is what God spits out of his mouth.
Being cold is better than being lukewarm. So for a day or two, I turned cold. I realized I wasn't willing to give up everything. I wasn't sure enough. I've known all along that I know a lot about God; I don't know God. I don't feel joy when somebody's converted. I don't have a testimony, not even one of just conviction or emotion.
But God is the only thing I know. And I think he's probably there. Take out Jesus' death and resurrection and you have a gaping hole in history. I've heard about miracles, heard the testimonies of people around me.
"I think he's probably there" isn't good enough for me though. I want to know God. I want to be able to say to my atheist friends, "Yes, I have looked at the religions of the world, and none can compare to Jesus Christ." And most importantly, I want to have somebody I can point to and say, "This man here, he's seen God work with his own eyes." That would set Jesus apart from any other God, because there are always distant stories and testimonies of miracles in every religion. Being able to point to a witness in this present reality would be awesome.
Best of all would be seeing God work with my own eyes. But I don't have enough faith for that yet.
I do think God's granted me the faith to find a testimony of his work. Seek and I shall find, so he said.
I'm tired.
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