My dear friend Jen Alzate (who, by the way, has a pretty cool last name in my opinion) suggested that I read Confessions by St. Augustine about three months ago. Because she's an English major and I think she has a solid grasp of my general opinion of old books (I don't like them) I decided to give it a try and read the thing. I bought it online (accidentally bought the abridged version. I'll see if the library has unabridged versions) and let it collect dust for about three months.
Then I started reading it and I was very surprised to find that I like it. Very surprised because first, it's old, and second, it's one long prayer (the prayer is a mixture of praise of autobiography and random thoughts). I probably wouldn't like it as much if it wasn't a modern english version. But I actually really really like the book.
It's almost like a blog (where else are you gonna get such a random mixture of things?). It's very heartfelt, and that draws me in. I guess I like hearing people talk about themselves. It's different, being old; I have to keep looking at the notes to understand what writers he mentions or what he was talking about at all, really. But the differentness of how he writes, especially, makes me think more.
He praises God in so many ways, sees him at work in everything, and attributes everything good to him, all the while insulting himself. It's almost to the point of ridiculousness, but not quite, because the ridiculousness of it makes me stop and think and realize that God is actually worthy of all that ridiculousness. It's like hearing a nauseatingly cheesy and overdone love song, except not, because there's nothing that could be said of God that could overdo things because God's just that ridiculous.
There's this book that has a title I like. It's called Crazy Love. I skimmed the book and it seems okay. I didn't read it because I'd already seen the ideas in it before. I just really like the title (and the cover). Crazy love.
I s'pose there are a few other reasons Confessions appeals to me. First is that it's a lot of praise, but it's more modern than the Psalms, yet still of really high authority. Another is that I'm used to hearing modern praise, but only in spoken prayer and songs. Prayers are improvised and songs are limited (and have a reputation of being cliche), so I'm not used to seeing any really creative worship.
Last, it's made me want to change my life more. For a little while I've talked about discipline but I haven't been able to get myself to do it. What can I say? Indulgence is easy. But more and more clearly I've been seeing that there are only two ways for me to live: First, for my own comfort and entertainment, the default that everybody turns to. And second, as if God was really alive and his love was really that crazy. I can't go on playing flash games and reading manga and eating what I want whenever I want and not getting exercise and trying not to look at porn and failing.
It's easy to talk about God and want the good things, the community and worship and joy. It's hard to change these habits that're so deeply ingrained. Reading Augustine and how madly obsessed he was whetted my appetite for God, so I'm gonna try to chase him down with all I've got, now.
Confessions also inspired me to write. It's not just that I feel inspired, though. You could say it's the missing piece I've been looking for. Y'see, whenever I fast or ignore my sexual appetite for a little while, my body goes a little haywire. I can't sleep, can't concentrate well enough to read, can't sit still long enough to pray, and don't have enough energy to exercise (when I'm fasting). I always hated the feeling, and I could never figure out what to do with myself but let the time slip away. But writing comes easy to me, and I think it'll be good for me too.
Greg Jao said something interesting at Basileia. He said that finding a spouse will never fulfill your emotional needs. Eating will never fill you up completely. Our earthly needs only point toward an even more important need for God.
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