There's a lot I haven't said

It's 'cause I have a lot to say. Over the past two weeks (only two weeks? These days feel like weeks) I've had lots on my mind. I go to the new post page and I just can't continue. There's too much to explain. I hate my writing. I don't feel like writing. There's too much momentum keeping me nice and silent.

Well, now it's 4 AM and the middle of the night has always had its power over me. I might write better in the middle of the night. I think I just have fewer inhibitions, and the ones that disappear include the ones that cross out stupid thoughts and prevent me from publishing crappy writing. And I just like the middle of the night. It's so peaceful. Private. The night air is different. It's good.

My parents have tried oh so hard to change my sleep schedule, and I try somewhat to do that but part of me doesn't want to leave the middle of the night to sleeping. It's just such a good time to be awake.

On to the serious part.

Following Christ has always been a matter of convenience. Mission trips are fun. Singing is fun. Church people are fun. Fellowship is fun. I've never really had the option to leave God. Church is such a big part of my life. Take out church and I'd feel like I was drifting, empty. But doing church isn't the same thing as following Christ.

There's a part of me that wants to have fun. There's a part of me that wants to be sincere. Lots of times they overlap, and then the choice is easy. When they don't, I do what's fun.

There are many things that Christians do that can't be justified. I've mulled over it, talked to people about it, asked about it, read (a little) about it, and the answers have been clear. There's not much justification for buying entertainment when so little money could do so much more for so many people. There's not much justification for defying authority (pirating music?). There's not much justification for spending free time entertaining ourselves.

Being a Christian means giving up your life in the hopes of getting something even better. The way the rest of the world works is, for the most part, that you do something because you want to do it. That's not the way we, Christians, are supposed to work.

If you call yourself devoted and intend to keep the parts of your life you want to keep, I call you a liar. I'm a liar. I was a liar. I don't want to be a liar. It's common practice for Christians to admit that we're all hypocrites. There's a difference between admitting the truth and being proud of it. Getting used to it. That's what I'd call being lukewarm.

Being a hypocrite is a very, very bad thing.

I know we're all imperfect. We can't do the right thing all the time. But it's the trying: that's what makes a Christian. Not trying and singing worship is what we call lip service and hypocrisy. Maybe lukewarmness. Lukewarm is what God spits out of his mouth.

Being cold is better than being lukewarm. So for a day or two, I turned cold. I realized I wasn't willing to give up everything. I wasn't sure enough. I've known all along that I know a lot about God; I don't know God. I don't feel joy when somebody's converted. I don't have a testimony, not even one of just conviction or emotion.

But God is the only thing I know. And I think he's probably there. Take out Jesus' death and resurrection and you have a gaping hole in history. I've heard about miracles, heard the testimonies of people around me.

"I think he's probably there" isn't good enough for me though. I want to know God. I want to be able to say to my atheist friends, "Yes, I have looked at the religions of the world, and none can compare to Jesus Christ." And most importantly, I want to have somebody I can point to and say, "This man here, he's seen God work with his own eyes." That would set Jesus apart from any other God, because there are always distant stories and testimonies of miracles in every religion. Being able to point to a witness in this present reality would be awesome.

Best of all would be seeing God work with my own eyes. But I don't have enough faith for that yet.

I do think God's granted me the faith to find a testimony of his work. Seek and I shall find, so he said.

I'm tired.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzMJhOwBLqw

Who'd've thought there'd be a metallica song I like?

I love perfect temperatures. I have a deep appreciation for springly weather. It makes me so happy to walk outside and feel a nice breeze that isn't too hot or too cold.

I also appreciate good writing. I think it's more accurate to say I appreciate honest writing. Nah, actually, it's more like I writing that people enjoyed writing. That's why I like it when English majors blog just as much as when normal people blog. But some people are super self-conscious about blogging. Or maybe it's more like super self-absorbed. I dunno! I suck at describing things. Sometimes people have lots going on in their heads and they need to just get it down, and that's good to read too. I don't like it when people write more for people to read than just for the fun of it. I think that's it. I appreciate people doing things just for the fun of doing things.

I played video games by myself twice over the past few days, and it wasn't very fulfilling. Left me feeling hollow. Playing video games with other people is fun, unless everybody's just staring at the screen with open mouths.

I don't get absorbed into life as much as other people, I think. I'd love to love everything more, but I don't. I'm not very curious, or very creative. You know what I'd love? If I was really good at music. I think I'd be a lot happier. I like music.

Video games are very absorbing though. Maybe that's why I get sucked into them more than I get sucked into life.

Today I was ridiculously frustrated for a little while. I hated on myself for not loving my family very much. I didn't want to read. I played video games for a while, but I couldn't keep doing that. I didn't want to pray. It was that sort of frustration I'd get from really wanting to something, but not knowing what that something was. In the end, I decided to sit and wait for God to tell me what to do. I think the sitting and waiting was what I needed to do.

Sometimes the reason I don't want to do things is because I'm afraid it won't be good. Maybe that's why I like video games and programming. Computers are very predictable. But anyways, I let the fear of the thing not being good consume me sometimes. I think that was part of the story.

I wasn't expecting to blog this much

But what can I do about it?

My dear friend Jen Alzate (who, by the way, has a pretty cool last name in my opinion) suggested that I read Confessions by St. Augustine about three months ago. Because she's an English major and I think she has a solid grasp of my general opinion of old books (I don't like them) I decided to give it a try and read the thing. I bought it online (accidentally bought the abridged version. I'll see if the library has unabridged versions) and let it collect dust for about three months.

Then I started reading it and I was very surprised to find that I like it. Very surprised because first, it's old, and second, it's one long prayer (the prayer is a mixture of praise of autobiography and random thoughts). I probably wouldn't like it as much if it wasn't a modern english version. But I actually really really like the book.

It's almost like a blog (where else are you gonna get such a random mixture of things?). It's very heartfelt, and that draws me in. I guess I like hearing people talk about themselves. It's different, being old; I have to keep looking at the notes to understand what writers he mentions or what he was talking about at all, really. But the differentness of how he writes, especially, makes me think more.

He praises God in so many ways, sees him at work in everything, and attributes everything good to him, all the while insulting himself. It's almost to the point of ridiculousness, but not quite, because the ridiculousness of it makes me stop and think and realize that God is actually worthy of all that ridiculousness. It's like hearing a nauseatingly cheesy and overdone love song, except not, because there's nothing that could be said of God that could overdo things because God's just that ridiculous.

There's this book that has a title I like. It's called Crazy Love. I skimmed the book and it seems okay. I didn't read it because I'd already seen the ideas in it before. I just really like the title (and the cover). Crazy love.

I s'pose there are a few other reasons Confessions appeals to me. First is that it's a lot of praise, but it's more modern than the Psalms, yet still of really high authority. Another is that I'm used to hearing modern praise, but only in spoken prayer and songs. Prayers are improvised and songs are limited (and have a reputation of being cliche), so I'm not used to seeing any really creative worship.

Last, it's made me want to change my life more. For a little while I've talked about discipline but I haven't been able to get myself to do it. What can I say? Indulgence is easy. But more and more clearly I've been seeing that there are only two ways for me to live: First, for my own comfort and entertainment, the default that everybody turns to. And second, as if God was really alive and his love was really that crazy. I can't go on playing flash games and reading manga and eating what I want whenever I want and not getting exercise and trying not to look at porn and failing.

It's easy to talk about God and want the good things, the community and worship and joy. It's hard to change these habits that're so deeply ingrained. Reading Augustine and how madly obsessed he was whetted my appetite for God, so I'm gonna try to chase him down with all I've got, now.

Confessions also inspired me to write. It's not just that I feel inspired, though. You could say it's the missing piece I've been looking for. Y'see, whenever I fast or ignore my sexual appetite for a little while, my body goes a little haywire. I can't sleep, can't concentrate well enough to read, can't sit still long enough to pray, and don't have enough energy to exercise (when I'm fasting). I always hated the feeling, and I could never figure out what to do with myself but let the time slip away. But writing comes easy to me, and I think it'll be good for me too.

Greg Jao said something interesting at Basileia. He said that finding a spouse will never fulfill your emotional needs. Eating will never fill you up completely. Our earthly needs only point toward an even more important need for God.

this is how my brain works

I like making quick decisions because I hate wasting time. Y'see, whenever you've gotta make a hard choice, it's not like thinking about it much will actually get you anywhere. Once you've thought it all out and talked to people, there's nothing more to do (besides maybe pray and wait). Sitting on it for longer is just killing time. Besides, if the decision's that hard, that means the choices are about even anyways. And if the decision's hard, who can blame you for going either way if it comes out wrong? Best just to save some time and decide quickly, then use the time you saved to work at whatever it is you're doing.

I try to spend my time right. I try not to make entertainment my default time-filler because there's too much work left to do. It's like playing video games when there's a starving kid next to you, only he's not next to you. It's not like I spend my days painfully grinding out productivity, though. Actually, I find it really hard to do anything productive if it isn't vaguely fun or really urgent. I think there's always a way to do good that fits who you are. I like reading certain books, getting slightly better at piano, talking with people, and reading the bible and praying. If I played video games for hours at a time again, I'd feel really empty. Not that I'm not tempted. I yearn to play FFVII. It's kinda a good thing I don't actually own a copy.

I don't think God's gifts to people are talent or easy learning. Well, of course, that's one way to be gifted. But I think the best kind of gift is being able to enjoy something. If you're good at things, it's useful, but I would rather be a janitor who loves his job than a neurosurgeon who's just kinda drifting. Haha. I'm sure it's pretty hard to drift into neurosurgery. I think you get the point.

It makes me think of a xanga entry I read once, a while ago. It was Leon talking about how he wasn't fantastic at anything. He picks things up really quickly, but he's got no skills that stand out. I think the problem wasn't that he wasn't good enough at things... I think he just never found something he loved enough to get really good at it.

My suitemate Joe plays electric guitar for a few hours every day. He's played for two years now, I think, and he's really really good. It's not like he's trying to get some skills to impress the ladies. He just loves playing guitar so much that he got good at it in the process. It makes me wish I enjoyed something so much I'd spend hours on it every day. I do like piano. A few hours a day is tough. I also really like acoustic guitar. I really like random fiddling on acoustic guitars (I like listening to Haley play with his), but it just feels awkward whenever I try to learn. Piano is nice and simple. Just pressing buttons. I'd love to be able to improv piano. I'd also love to be able to play this one piece:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4FQaDQbwoE

Then I'd die happy.